Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
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remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
ttyl tear gas
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
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Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?