JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit