I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
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It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
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My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.