so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
