i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
