Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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