i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
