I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
