Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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