I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
