I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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