I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
