I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
