thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
