the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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