the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
