I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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