Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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