I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
