3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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