i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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