my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
