Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
