it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
