I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
