He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
