The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
