We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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