OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
