I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
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You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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