I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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