Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
