At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
