return my video game
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
