you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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