hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
