So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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