I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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