Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
