doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
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woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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