how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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