I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
