I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
