How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
