He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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