i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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