No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
