We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
How does it feel to date your dad?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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