So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
