I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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