we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
