peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She tied me up with her honor cords...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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