you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
