Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
