Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
In America we eat man semen.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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