So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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