I wish my penis had an off switch
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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