Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
