I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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