Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Small penises have feelings too.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
